Harley Quinn: Smiles and Poison
by Ice-SV3
Summary: "You laugh long enough, anything becomes funny." Harley Quinn is willing to go through anything to have a happy life with her Puddin', even if it kills her. But how long is she really willing to put up with him? PS: This story does NOT romanticize Joker and Harley.


Harley Quinn: "Smiles and Poison"

In a dark room with no lights, only the silhouette of a jester hat is visible against the dark window.

"I'm not crazy.", the clown girl says. "I just have problems. Relationship problems. I'm sure you've heard the story. Girl meets guy. Guy knows how to make girl laugh. Girl shows her devotion fer said guy by jumpin' into a vat of acid so she can be just like him."

/

In a flashback, she is at Ace Chemicals with the Joker. There is a vat of green bubbling acid beneath them.

"Well, kid. You said you wanted to be more like me. This is how you do it.", Joker says.

"But Mistah J—"

"No whining. Just think of it as a giant bowl of pudding."

"Puddin'.", Harley says, trying to reassure herself. "Wait, but isn't it gonna hurt?"

"I told you before: You laugh long enough, anything becomes funny."

Harley Quinn closes her eyes and jumps into the vat of acid.

"Aaaaah! The puddin'! It burns!"

/

"HA HA Ha Ha ha ha…", the therapist replies in response to Harley's account.

"See? My Puddin' is always right.", Harley replies. "It's okay to laugh. My Puddin' is an expert when it comes to comedy. Even earlier on in our relationship, I always knew I could trust him."

/

In a flashback before her acid bath, Harley is an empty room with a single table and two chairs in it. It is her fourth session with the Joker.

"Hello, Dr. _Harleen Quinzel._ Ever so serious and boring, as they want you to be. Ever fancy the name Harley Quinn?", he asks.

"An' be the harlequin to yer joker?", Harley replies.

"'Joker.' Why so formal? Everyone calls me Joker. Why not call me Mister J?"

"But that sounds even more formal."

"But that's the joke! Hahahaha!"

"Hee hee hee! Okay, then. **Mistah J."**

"I brought you a gift."

Harley looks in Joker's hands and sees a tail sticking out. He opens his hands.

"A… rat?", Harley asks.

"Not just any rat. I found this rat wandering around the asylum. Took her under my wing. We developed a bond. She trusts me. And I trained her to trust you, too. Hold her."

Harley holds the rat. She strokes its head. Harley can tell the rat likes it, as if she were asking for more.

"You said you always wanted to know what makes someone like me tick?", Joker asks. "You take that rat, and you smash its skull. Then I want you to laugh."

"But what did this rat ever do to me?"

"Think of that rat as everybody who ever made your life hell. People who care about you but make you miserable anyway. Like your abusive father who got you so interested in the criminally insane to start with. Or your coworkers who don't have any faith in you. But I know you can do it. I can get you to laugh in the face of death if you're just willing to take your first baby steps."

With little hesitation, Harley smashes the rat's head. It makes a small, bloody mess on the lower portion of the wall. She is shocked at the outcome, but a smile quickly covers her face. She lets out a titter.

"See? It's funny, isn't it?", Joker asks.

/

Back in the present, Harley continues speaking to her therapist.

"It was love at first sight. After all, who was I next to him?"

She is met by silence.

"Oh. I s'pose yer in no condition to talk right now, are ya?", Harley asks. "Sorry about that. I just don't like it when people insult my Puddin'."

Harley moves toward the door to leave. She steps over the therapist, who is dead, with a huge smile on her face. Harley had stuck her therapist with a spike in her palm, dripping with Joker venom.

* * *

Elsewhere, Joker is on stage in a small, abandoned auditorium. It is well-lit.

"I wanted to thank you all for coming today.", he says. "You know, this one time I went to a store. Owner sees me in the aisles. He's like, 'Oh, shit. It's the Joker!' I say, 'Yeah, that's me. Do you want my autograph?' So, I stick a pen in his hand and the guy starts screaming. Like, at the top of his lungs. People start staring at him like he's a crazy person. I tell them, 'Oh, he's just a big fan.' Ha ha ha ha!"

Joker is met by silence.

"Gee, I've never seen a more **wooden** audience before in my life.", he notes.

Laughter starts coming from the audience. It's just Harley who's laughing. Except for her taxidermied beaver, everyone else in the audience is just a wooden silhouette.

"Why, thank you, Harley.", Joker says, bowing.

But Harley can't stop laughing. Her laughing intensifies and becomes utterly uncontrollable. She holds her stomach in pain as she continues to laugh. She blacks out. Sometime later, she wakes up with Joker leaning over her.

"Well, congratulations, Harley! You're still alive! You'll only need to do this a few more times before you become immune to my laughing gas. Then, it'll be so much easier to escape in a hurry. Just whip out some gas, no masks needed!"

"Ha-ha-ow!", Harley says.

Joker smiles at her and strokes her cheek. Later that night, Harley is recovering with the help of a nice, soothing shower. She spends extra time with the water softly beating on her belly. She finally finishes up and gets her towel. Joker is busy reading a bloodied restaurant menu. Harley walks up behind him, dressed in a thin nightgown.

"A-hem!", she says.

"Oh, you feeling any better…?", Joker asks.

He turns around and sees Harley in her gown.

"What are you wearing? What happened to the jester outfit?"

"What am I _wearin'?_ I'm wearin' this fer **you!",** Harley hollers.

"Oh. But the jester outfit is so much classier. Uh… you go outside in that, you'll be freezing!"

"Oh, not everythin' is about work, Puddin'. Aren't we more than just partners in crime? Why don't ya join me in bed? We have to do it **sometime,** don't we?"

"Uh… sure, why not?"

Joker's countenance changes to a soft smile. Harley smiles and holds Joker's hand, taking him to bed.

* * *

It's late in the morning. Harley wakes up in Joker's bed. But it's empty. She brushes her teeth. Upon leaving the bathroom, she sees Joker in a tuxedo.

"Where would you like to eat for breakfast?", he asks. "Perhaps the Chez Vous?"

"What? I thought we were s'posed to hit Two-Face's place today. You've been plannin' this raid for weeks."

"There's still time for that later tonight.", Joker reassures her.

"But I heard on the news that Batsy's injured! He's vulnerable! Ya have to take him out now!"

"Batman is Batman. He'll always be around to torture. I've just been thinking. All the things you do for me. And you're probably the one person I don't hate. But I haven't even given a thought about what's best for _you.",_ Joker asserts.

"No! What about Batman? We have to get Batman! This isn't you. It wouldn't be right if anyone tortured him but you. He's the one who originally threw **you** into a vat of acid. Yer nothin' without him!"

"What did you say?! _You're_ nothing without _me,_ Miss **Harlequin!"**

Harley slaps him in the face at that remark.

"Oh!", Joker cries out.

Harley then notices his lip is bleeding.

"Oh, Puddin'. I'm so sorry. Are ya okay?", she asks.

She is met by Joker's silence.

"Let me get some peroxide.", she says.

Harley leaves the room to get peroxide, her hands desperately shaking. She rummages through the shelves and sees it next to the first aid kit. She quickly grabs it. But when she returns to give it to Joker, she sees that he's gone.

"Puddin'?"

/

Joker is at a bar. Some of the people are staring at him, well aware of who he is. They sit in silence as his presence makes them uncomfortable.

"What was I thinking?", Joker asks himself. "Love is for the 'sane people' who don't know how life really works! I lost my focus! Because of **her!"**

He laughs and kicks over a barstool. He notices a bystander next to him, staring at him.

"What are you looking at?", Joker asks.

Joker holds a knife to the man's throat and laughs. Most of the people in the bar flee.

/

By now, the sun has already set. Joker has been gone all day, and Harley has no idea what he's been up to. She picks up the bedroom phone.

"Puddin', where are ya? It's been all day. Please come home. I'm sorry."

Suddenly, Joker comes in, kicking the door open.

"Puddin'?! Puddin'! Where've ya been? We missed our window! We can't rob Two-Face now…. Puddin'? Are ya drunk?"

Joker abruptly punches her square in the jaw.

"That was for earlier today, when you punched me in the face.", Joker says.

"About that. I'm sorry. I really am."

"The feeling's not mutual!"

He punches her some more, proceeding to beat her up.

"Puddin'! What's gotten into ya?!", Harley cries out.

"ME! Me, Harley. This is who I always have been… until YOU entered my life. I felt something… that I've never felt before. I… wanted…. I wanted something different. But then I became this person I didn't even recognize! If you don't like it, just leave. I'll just go solo like I always have, and you can go back to being a nobody."

"No, it's okay. I won't leave ya. I want to help ya with the Two-Face heist."

"It's too late for that! We missed our window! We're gonna need to work extra hard the next few months!"

* * *

A few weeks later, Joker has managed to lose even more restraint.

"Aaah! Uff! Help! HEEELP!", Harley cries.

"'Help'? You want to bring Batsy here? You know I hate him.", Joker says.

"No."

"Then keep your trap shut!"

Joker tapes her bleeding mouth shut. Later, Harley goes into their lair, limping. She rips the tape off her mouth, causing her lips to split open, bleeding. She cries out in pain. She then rips a playing card out of her belly. It's a Joker card, with blood covering it, starting where the mouth is. She limps some more, only to hear a crack and feel searing pain, as she realizes her leg is broken. She tumbles to the ground. She then desperately crawls to the nearest phone. But in a flashback, she remembers that the phone in this particular room isn't quite what it seems.

/

"Izzis the phone?", Harley remembers asking.

"Actually, that one's booby trapped.", Joker says.

"What kind of trap is it?"

"Feel free to find out."

"Ahahahahaha! Yer so funny, Puddin'!"

/

Despite knowing the phone is booby trapped, Harley must call for help. She carefully uses a single finger to dial the number nine. A nail promptly shoots out of the phone, penetrating the bone in her hand. She screams in pain. She tries to pull it out, but it's sticking.

"Izzis glue?", she asks herself in shock.

She continues to dial two more ones while aiming the phone away from herself.

"I need a hosp—", she starts.

Her voice is cutoff as she hesitates from the pain of her bleeding lips.

"Hospital.", she continues.

"Where are you?", a cop asks on the other end.

Harley then imagines Joker being mad at her for calling the cops.

"I can't help you if I don't know where you are."

/

By now, it's past bedtime. Harley is lying unconscious on the floor. She wakes up to see Joker leaning over her again, stroking her cheek.

"You're not too mad at me, are you?", he asks.

"No. I know ya had to get it outta yer system.", she says.

"Then why did you leave a **mess** all over _my_ lair?!"

"I wasn't tryin'—I mean, all the stuff just gushed outta me!"

One of the tassels on her head is so worn, that her hair is sticking out of it. Joker grabs her by the tassel and starts dragging her.

"Aaaah! No! Puddin', please! My leg!", Harley cries in pain.

Joker then literally kicks her out of their lair for the night.

* * *

A few months later, Harley is mostly recovered, and the Joker and his gang are finally ready to try to rob Two-Face again.

"All right, Harley. Today's the day. Me and the gang are gonna rob Two-Face."

"What about me? I wanna come!"

"I'm out of guns.", Joker says.

"I wanna come!"

"Here, use this mallet."

Joker hands a giant wooden mallet to her, which she has difficulty picking up.

"Ugh, this thing weighs a ton!", she grumbles.

/

Later, they arrive at the store. It is dark inside, but it is clear the store is well-kept.

"Are ya sure this is the place?", Harley asks Joker. "I thought Two-Face can't help but wreck half the things he owns."

"He can't. But he also owns the store next door.", Joker says.

"Oh.", Harley replies, studying the store next door.

" **That's** the one we're going to. Then we're going to break through the wall.", Joker says.

They break what may very well be the last window intact. Harley grabs a shard of glass to fight with later. They move past some empty shelves, some of which are toppled. They start breaking through the wall, but before they make it to the safe, Batman shows up. He swoops in, knocking over three of Joker's thugs like bowling pins. Joker uses his acid flower, and Batman dodges. Joker throws his razor-sharp cards, but Batman deflects them using the blades on his gauntlet. Joker whips out a gun, which is immediately knocked out of his hand by one of Batman's batarangs.

"You're out of tricks, Joker.", Batman says.

"I have one last trick up my sleeve."

Joker pushes Harley towards Batman and runs. Harley watches in shock.

"Mistah J ain't afraid of anythin'. No one makes my Puddin' run!", she says to Batman.

Harley then cartwheels towards Batman, and he moves aside. Harley throws a pair of punches, which Batman blocks, then Harley kicks Batman in his shoulder, causing him to cry out in pain.

"Ooh! I'm sorry. Puddin' broke yer shoulder earlier on, didn't he? I woulda joined in on the fun, but I had my own wounds to attend to."

"He's using you, Harley! He doesn't care about you!"

"He cares about me a lot. He cares about me so much that I hold him back. We were s'posed to do this raid **months** ago!"

Harley cuts Batman's neck using the shard of glass. Harley starts throwing punches at Batman. He blocks a few, but he can't hold out. Harley has Batman beaten and is about to deliver the fatal blow. She picks up her mallet, only for the weight of it to make her fall backwards. Batman shoots a cable that pins her neck against a wall.

"Ugh! Wait. Okay, okay. I'm sorry!", Harley says, struggling to breathe.

With a single blow, Batman both cuts the cable with his gauntlet and knocks her out. But Joker knocks him out from behind and takes Harley.

"Hmph. Another failed caper.", Joker remarks in disgust.

* * *

When Harley gains consciousness, she realizes she's being carried. It's nighttime, and she's on a bridge. She's tied up.

"Puddin'? What's goin' on?", she asks.

"Harley. Oh, Harley. I really thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me, until I realized you were destroying me, little by little. There is no Harley and Joker, just the Joker."

One of Joker's henchmen throws her over the side of the bridge, into Finger River.

"Here, you can keep this.", Joker says, throwing the wooden mallet into the river after Harley.

The strong currents begin to sweep her away. She sees the mallet on the water and desperately tries to swim toward it, but she is having difficulty due to being restrained. She swims closer to it, but her head dunks under the water. She keeps trying, but more and more water enters her lungs. She gets ahold of the mallet as her strength gives out. She is unsure if she'll ever wake up again. A woman is watching as her body washes up at Robinson Park.

"The things people dump into the river! It's no wonder plant life around here is always dying."

The woman walks up to an unconscious Harley Quinn.

"Well, well, well. Look who it is.", she says to herself.

* * *

Harley wakes up, restrained by vines. Standing opposite of her is Poison Ivy.

"Did you know that your boyfriend **tortured** plants right in front of me… and laughed, as if it were a joke?", Ivy asks. "You. The Joker's girlfriend. I'm giving you _one_ chance. Tell me where the Joker's hideout is."

"You can call me Harley. Just know I would never betray Mistah J."

"I was hoping to send your body to him directly, with poisonous residue on your lips, to send him a message: Respect the Green. But just seeing you die should be satisfying enough."

"Go ahead. I don't care anymore. An' for what it's worth, I don't think he's my boyfriend anymore. He treats me like crap. He tried to kill me. It's all my fault. He's exactly the kind of person I wanted. That's what I get. I wanted the Joker, an' I got him."

"You stupid little girl. Spare me the sob story. I don't care for human troubles. Maybe he won't miss you as much as I had hoped, but neither will I. You're no better than he is."

Ivy goes up to Harley and kisses her, wholly enjoying every second of it, as she does with all her victims.

Harley spits at her, as Ivy promptly dodges, saying: "I'm used to rejection…. Say, why do you taste like steak and ketchup?"

"Oh, lemme guess. I'm an advocate of tomato murder."

"Oh, don't be silly. Some plants depend on being eaten to reproduce."

"Ick.", Harley says.

"Ohhh, I really oughta question my food choices.", Harley reassures herself, as she suddenly starts feeling dizzy.

"All must pay for their crimes against the Green. If I can't have Joker, I'll settle for you.", Ivy contends.

"Ya… poisoned me."

Harley is met with a stern silence.

"Please tell me a story?", Harley asks as her eyes well up.

"What?", Ivy asks her, not expecting such a response.

"Like a bedtime story… or a joke? Ya know… before I—"

"I don't know a bedtime story."

" _Please.",_ Harley insists.

"There was once a little girl who loved plants so much. But they were insignificant, meaningless to others. They were killed, murdered. Entire forests chopped down to suit the whims of mankind. And so, that little girl became disconnected from wicked man, and chose to become the guardian of all plant life…."

Ivy's voice fades away as Harley blacks out from the poison. Ivy lowers Harley's still body into the ground. She puts a withered, dead rose in her hands. Ivy looks at the flower and sheds a tear. She checks Harley for a pulse.

* * *

Harley wakes up. She's still in Robinson Park. She should be dead. Feeling more relaxed, she begins taking in the scenery. The wide, open space. The beautiful plant life. The colors. Poison Ivy, again. Still there with her. But Harley is no longer restrained.

"Am I dead?", Harley asks her.

"Isn't that a bit cliché for a comedian?", Ivy slyly replies.

"Well, why did ya spare me?"

"I could only think of the innocent plants that die every day. Batman has good intentions, but he just lets evildoers live. I looked at you, and I saw a beautiful, but delicate and abused flower. I couldn't bear to kill you."

"So, what? I'm just yer charity case? I can't handle myself?", Harley asks, annoyed.

"I saw how you almost killed Batman, even if he was previously injured. I always try to keep an eye on Batman. You're a strong, independent woman. You just don't realize it. Listen, Harley. I was seduced by a man once. His name was Jason Woodrue. He experimented on me. I almost died twice because of him. But I became stronger. You can too, Harley. Joker almost killed you."

"You almost killed me, too.", Harley says.

"I was wrong. You're not him. You're different."

"No, I'm no better than he is. I might as well **be** him."

"Not if you help me get back at him.", Ivy suggests.

"Ya wanna **kill** him, don't ya, Red?"

"Don't **you?** Yes, I have my reasons for revenge, but I would be doing you a favor."

"Ugh. Ya know what? Fine. But we do it **my** way."

"You're injured. And he seduced you once; he could do it again."

"No, no, NO. I'm comin' with ya.", Harley declares.

"Fine. At least tell me where we're going."

"Well, what day is it?", Harley asks.

"Thursday."

"Yer in luck, Red. Mistah J should be layin' a trap for Batsy right now! A two-fer! He's waitin' for him at the Gotham Coal Refinery!"

"Good. You stay here."

"I'm not stayin' anywhere!", Harley proclaims.

"I will **not** let any harm come to you."

Ivy pushes Harley into a flower that quickly encloses her.

"Hey! Let me outta here!", Harley shouts.

"Goodbye, Harl. I'll be back soon.", Ivy says softly.

As Ivy goes off by herself, a gas fills up the flower, entering Harley's lungs. She starts getting sleepy from the gas but wants to have revenge on Joker herself. She throws down a cloud of Joker venom in an attempt to get the flower to open up, but she falls asleep. After a while, she wakes up, realizing the flower finally opened. She rushes to meet Ivy at the refinery.

* * *

At the refinery, Joker already has gasoline spread all over the place. He is about to light Ivy's vines on fire with a blowtorch, but Ivy easily snuffs it out. He then uses Joker gas on her, but she is unaffected. Nevertheless, the green cloud gets thicker. Joker sneaks behind Ivy and whacks her on the back of the head with a crowbar.

"Well, this was an unexpected interruption.", Joker says.

Batman struggles in his chair, tied up, with one of Joker's gas masks on.

"I suppose I should kill you first, so Batsy over here has no time to escape before the fun begins. HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Puddin'? Ya forgettin' me?", Harley says, approaching him.

"Harley! Punkin' Pie! You're back!"

Harley slaps him across the face again.

"What was that for?", he asks.

"Fer tryin' to kill me!"

"Red!", Harley cries, seeing Ivy unconscious on the floor.

Harley begins to rush over, but Joker grabs her arm. Harley elbows him in the face. Joker rushes her and knocks her over. Harley pushes him off. Joker busts a pipe on the wall and sprays Harley with the gas. She starts coughing. Joker jabs her in the gut and crosses her in the face. Harley coughs some more. She shoves a swivel chair into him, then proceeds to jump kick him, knocking him onto Batman, who lets out a yelp. She finds a sharp metal rod and raises it in the air.

"Harley, you wouldn't kill me….", Joker insists.

"Don't do it!", Batman yells.

She proceeds to skewer both of them with the same rod. They both cry out in pain. The sound brings Ivy to consciousness. Harley starts coughing some more.

"Don't worry, Red. I know just what to do with these two.", Harley assures her.

Harley lights the gasoline on fire and takes in the view. But she starts coughing harder and collapses to the ground.

"HARLEY!", Ivy screams.

Ivy carries Harley out of the refinery. She lays her in her eco-friendly car, and she passes out.

"Harley, noooooo!"

/

Back at the refinery, Joker is pinned to Batman like a kabob.

"So, this is how it ends, huh?"

"Joker! We need to get out of here! The rod!", Batman commands.

Joker pulls the rod out of their bodies and gets up. Batman stumbles back, and Joker hits him with the rod.

"Joker, what are you doing? We have to get out of here!"

"Not so fast, Batsy. I want to enjoy this moment! HA HA HA HA!"

* * *

Harley wakes up, once again in the safety of Robinson Park.

"You're **not** dead, by the way.", Ivy insists.

"Ugh, I think I've had a headache all year. I swear, the amount of times I've blacked out this year…. Heh. Why is it every time I see ya over my bed, I think I died an' went to heaven?"

"What exactly are you suggesting, Harl?"

"Uh, I meant that in a completely platonic way.", Harley asserts.

"You do realize we just met."

"Says the woman who's known to kiss every guy she lays eyes on."

"That's… completely platonic, too. Well, really I only kiss someone when I want to poison them."

"When ya could just as easily poison someone in about a dozen other different ways."

"It's… effective.", Ivy says with a smirk.

"Uh-huuuh. Anyway… I guess ya found an antidote for whatever gas I inhaled?"

"Actually, no. The gas my plant exposed you to immunized you against it. You should be immune to the poisons I use the most, and then some. I'm just glad your immune system was already strong enough by the time Joker exposed you to that gas, or you'd be dead. By the way, it might interest you that you are stronger and more agile now. You might even be strong enough to lift your silly hammer."

Harley looks at the mallet, which is wedged under a pile of Harley's other things.

"BEST. GIFT. EVER!", she cries in excitement.

Harley gets ready to lift the mallet. She puts all her strength into it, causing it to fly in the air. The mallet squishes a plant.

"AAAAAAAHHH!", Ivy shrieks, as if she just lost a leg. "I give you powers and what's the first thing you do with them?!"

"I'm sorry, Red. I swear!"

"She'll survive. She's strong. But sorry isn't going to cut it.", Ivy says, regaining her breath.

Harley grabs Ivy's leg and looks up at her with puppy dog eyes.

"You have got to be joking.", Ivy says.

Harley continues crying. Ivy's lip begins to quiver as she struggles to keep tears from forming in her own eyes.

"Should I kiss it better?", Harley teases.

Ivy rolls her eyes at the comment.

"Tell you what. Why don't I give you a tour of the place? Maybe you'll appreciate the plants more from now on."

"Really?", Harley asks, excited.

"But you're not doing anything else until you memorize every. Last. Plant. And exactly where it is in the park."

"Yes, ma'am.", Harley says nervously.

/

Harley continues to hang out with Ivy for about a week. The two of them have spent a great deal of quality time together. Everything seems perfect, but Ivy catches Harley in the corner of the room, who is in her lingerie, crying.

"Harl? Are you okay? I've always enjoyed the company of my plants. It was always enough for me. But somehow, with you here… you, a friend, an actual human being… it's different. I didn't think it possible, but I've never been happier. And I know you feel the same way. What's the matter?"

"I miss him, Red."

"The Joker."

"I know he's alive now, but what I did to him, without givin' him a second chance? I even condemned him to the same death as Batman. **Batman!** And ya know what a _creep_ he is. I'm a terrible person."

"But he's hurt you before, hasn't he?", Ivy asks.

"He broke my leg an' taped my bleedin' mouth shut. When I took it off—"

Harley chokes up and her eyes start to well up.

"He would have deserved to die in that fire.", Ivy says.

"No, it's not like that. Lookin' back on it, it was really kinda funny. Heh heh."

"He may have taught you how to laugh, Harley, but with him, you were never really happy."

Harley starts to cry.

"But if there's one thing Mistah J ever taught me, it's that if ya laugh long enough, anythin' becomes funny."

"Some things aren't meant to be funny, Harley."

Harley reaches out to hug Ivy for comfort. Ivy flinches, not willing to poison her, but lets Harley hug her after remembering she won't.

"I'm no one without him.", Harley says.

"You are to me. The feelings I have for plant life are nothing I can explain to any human, but like I said, I care about you. You're my friend. You're everything to me. Can you name one person I've ever chosen to give powers to? You're alive, Harley, because I care about you."

"I have to know. I have to give him a second chance."

"I know from the last time I tried to keep you here that it doesn't work. But please, Harl. You promise me one thing: That fiend ever hurts you again, you take that mallet he gave you as a joke of a weapon, and you hit him over the head with it. **Hard."**

" _I promise.",_ Harley proclaims.

"I swear, I will never stop looking out for you.", Ivy promises back.

* * *

Joker is back at the hideout, looking at a sexy picture of Harley in her nightgown.

"Oh, Harley. You know, I've never really felt loved. As annoying as you were, I could never stand to love anyone else but you."

The door bangs open.

"Puddin'! I'm ho-ome!"

"Harley?", Joker asks in disbelief.

"Puddin'! I'm so sorry I tried to kill ya. I was just a lil' angry, that's all. Yer sorry too, right?"

Harley leans her head on his chest and strokes him, but Joker quickly gets annoyed.

"Sorry? There's nothing to be sorry about. And to think I almost missed you. No, you know what I want? Batman! I'd rather the whole world hate me! The world will never forget my name! JOKER! And who better to have as an enemy than Batman? Who better to be hated by? We will viciously fight each other to the end, until one day… maybe I can make him laugh. Maybe he'll appreciate the little game we play, for the world, our audience! HA HA!"

Joker takes a selfie of him laughing at a bleeding, tortured Batman and slaps it right over the picture of Harley in her nightgown.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa!", Joker continues.

He feels a breeze of cold air from outside. There is a silence in the room. He turns to see the lair door open. He sees the wooden mallet on the floor, waiting for him. He picks it up to read two new words etched into one of the faces:

" **Good night!"**


End file.
